I've hit a patch.
Yesterday I took my daughter to preschool, the first day back after a snow day. Due to the snow day she didn't get the reminder sticker sent home to remind me she was "snack girl". Having forgotten her snack, I wound up crying uncontrollably in the director's office. I only cried a little standing in front of the yogurt section at the grocery store.
Yesterday I went to the OB/Gyn to have my IUD removed. Then I went shopping at the mall across the street. The IUD removal ruptured a blood vessel and I ended up bleeding uncontrollably and crying uncontrollably in the JCPenney's. I went back to the doctor who sent me home and told me to stay off my feet for the rest of the day. At Christmas time.
I have a tenant who is a very sweet young man. His girlfriend left him. He has stopped paying his rent. He won't answer his phone. This doesn't make me cry, but starting eviction at Christmas time makes me not sleep.
Two weeks a
go our sweet cousin died in an accident. He was thirty. I sneak little cries in the car. During his eulogy of a handful of stories, two of them recounted were stories about me and him. One involved him throwing up all over me in a bar once and one involved an incident with a Jamaican lady of questionable repute when he came to my 40th birthday bash in Negril. We were going to Arizona next week to see him for Christmas. Instead we saw him last week in his casket. We will still go out there for Christmas but there will be a space at our table that will not be filled. Not ever again.Then there's all the busyness and stress that a regular Christmas entails. Then there's the very short days that bring on the blues. And the cold that brings on cabin fever. Then there's - then there's-.
The most comforting thing I have read lately is mattyboy's post dissing Nietzsche's 'that which does not kill us' trope. I am not killed. I am not defeated. But I am diminished.
I hope the spinning stops soon and that this car wreck lands softly in a snowbank.
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